Kudou Hikaru

Doomed

The current world has too many effing idiots breathing, they're comprising the brighter ones.

Humans on the brink of extinction? Humanity, yes...Humans quantitatively, probably not so - unless some power-wielding morons start throwing out the nukes or yelling out some sort of a battle cry out of prejudice or greed.

Current Music: I Like It - Enrique Eglesias featuring PitBull

Otanjoubi!

It's sinfully addicting, the entire Sherlock fandom, and I don't want it to go anytime soon. So yeah, long live the fandom!

Oh my muses, why must you attack me with the plot when I have more important issues to deal with!?

Current Music: First Time - Lifehouse

If I Can Just Say It...

There are lots of things that virtue would never allow you to say. One example would be "Piss off!", another would be laced with bitter, bitter sarcasm.

Kenapa saya skema?
Because, otherwise, I am more often than not found out. ...Still. I'm such an idiot to even hope.

In Which I Rant as I Like to

...And, as such, will be incoherent until the end.

WHO THE EFF SAID/INSINUATED THAT BEING A KLUTZ IS AN ENDEARING TRAIT DESERVES TO TRIP AND LAND WITH HIS/HER FACE DOWN INTO A REALLY YUCKY PUDDLE. Also, while we're at it...Eff you, SMeyer, for screwing up with women's fantasies and their ideas of a decent romance story.

When am I going to really start on my report? I know I promised myself it will be today, but how far will I keep my word?

Why is it so hard to put faith in God? The current posting really takes the cake when it comes to one's chances that God has allocated to him/her. Pfft to self.

Get a grip, woman, for your own good.

And broadband, why so unreliable right now? Argh.

Current Music: All the Right Moves - OneRepublic

Hating to Hate

But I just can't help it. Maybe it's envy, maybe it just stems from a general discomfort with his/her behaviour.

I don't know. I'm presently in the avoidance stage, but I wonder how long it'll take until the truth is too obvious to be suppressed from her knowledge.

This is especially painful because I'd wager she considers (considered?) me as a good - or at least, reliable - friend.

Whoever said that the truth will set you free? It's eating my conscious away like it's popcorn while watching a B-grade drama.

Current Music: Affirmation - Savage Garden

Pfft

Clash of the Hormones. Possible outcome when two women collide...although for each her raging hormones may be for different reasons; i.e. PMS vs peri-menopausal.

Sigh.

I'm sick of this conflict, of being resented and resenting. And for getting frowned at and nagged for at least being more considerate than a few others who probably deserve it more than I do.

Stupid ego, try to stoop down a little bit!

Current Music: The Big Bang Theory Theme Song - Barenaked Ladies

Warui

I'm sure you know of a song called Sorry Seems to be The Hardest Word.

For those who know me, I may seem as one who apologises profusely and easily - when it comes to puny matters. Not during an argument in which I am fairly certain that I am right and hence see it as having the rights to be obstinate in not acknowledging my faults. In such cases, there's no way in hell am I going to say I'm sorry.

Maybe I should just forget about this "sorry" business. Just use the word when it comes to professionalism. No more.

And of course, downsize my ego by a few notches and admit I'm wrong when there is no doubt that I am.

And one more thing...I really must stop nagging people...considering that I myself absolutely hate it when I am being nagged.

Current Music: Song for Gaza - Michael Hearts

A Concise Message

To those who have nothing better to say but they still opened their damned big mouths anyway:

SHUT UP, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

Current Music: That's What You Get - Paramore

Just A Friendly Neighbourhood Advice

PLEASE STOP DOING IDIOTIC THINGS.

It's terribly destructive, highly infectious, and...utterly unbecoming. Real uncool, guys.

There's enough of the existing stupidities to last us for generations. No need for more contribution in your part, thanks.

Honestly. Keep the stupid away from me. I'm already on the path to self-destruction and I don't need any help on that AT ALL.

Current Music: Psychological Recovery...6 Months - Sherlock Holmes OST

P/s: Solve this if you can; I'm bored, but am too lazy to do anything - not even the ones I had been dying to start on or complete last week (during my revision week - which were actually whims designed to take my mind off studying; A form of escape, I reckon...).

V-Day

Frustration

Study, woman, STUDY!!

Wake me up
Pull me back up
Upon these frail feet
Bring me the light

Current Music: Fever - Adam Lambert

Reminder from Above...and then some

Dan apabila hamba-hamba-Ku bertanya kepadamu mengenai Aku maka (beritahu kepada mereka): Sesungguhnya Aku (Allah) sentiasa hampir (kepada mereka); Aku perkenankan permohonan orang yang berdoa apabila dia berdoa kepada-Ku. Maka hendaklah mereka menyahut seruan-Ku (dengan mematuhi perintah-Ku), dan hendaklah mereka beriman kepada-Ku supaya mereka mendapat petunjuk (surah al-Baqarah: 186).

Totally unrelated, but horrible (read: failed) cosplay (pictures or RL) traumatise me. They made me go "Oh God, my EYES!!" and "Un-see. Now!" and felt like spanking them for ruining my idea of the characters.

Oh. No offense. Take note I said "horrible cosplay", which is totally relative...

Brainwork. Not.

Methinks I think too much. Not in a good way, though.

I analyse all the wrong and unimportant stuff. Things that don't bring me anywhere other than superficial enjoyment.

All this thinking but no actual, useful effort.

And such, rightfully, I don't even deserve any so-called rewards...because the hard-earned labour is non-existent.

Tch.

Poetry? ver 2.0

What do you do
When reason says no
But the heart says go?
If you don't know
Would you say no more?

Rants Ver 1.0

Oi Internet connection, why so crappy?!

Oi fridge, why so disappointing?! Is it because I didn't give you a name?

O-ya Avicenna, WHY!?

Two Way

Yup it's mutual.

My uni is screwing with me. Or, specifically, the library. The hell!? As if I should pay for something I did not commit!!

It just shows the university's weakness as a whole. Planning is absolutely foreign to them. And the ones who have to suffer the consequences are us, the students!

How do they expect us to respect them when all they're capable of doing is screwing around with us?

Screw them, instead.

Oi, stupid Uni, why so retarded?

Oh, Internet connection, why totally unreliable?

Summary ver. 2.0

So I was browsing through several online shopping blogs.

And I daresay I'm having what could be the shock of my life.

Bags priced more than RM200. Those that I never would dream of having. And yet it appeared to me that some could not care less where their money went. I mean, hey, a handbag that cost more than RM1000? Wouldn't you rather get yourself a new mobile phone instead? Especially since we have tons of other bags which may not even reach half of that price around?

I've said it once, and I'll say it again. WTH!!!???

Such, ladies and gentlemen, is the power of brands.

I personally am trying not to get sucked into it.

Some things are, all things considered, just not worth it.

I shall endeavour to remind myself this, over and over again.

Current Music: Katayoku no Tori - Shikata Akiko

Note to Self

1. Sunway Pyramid's Jusco pwns O.U's. It even pwns Parksons everywhere.

2. I'm probably starting to be a fan of Cleef as a brand. The shoes are nice, the bags satisfactory.

3. Am starting to think I'm having some sort of a fetish for shopping. Now is the stage of bags and shoes. Not good.
Although, I must say that this page has some awfully cute bags...Darn it.

4. Avicenna's starting to act up. Or, rather, it's his battery. He's getting old. And overworked. Tsk...

Summary

People who know me would say I'm one of many words, incapable of summarising whatever is on my mind into a few sentences for your reading pleasure. Is it any wonder that I absolutely hated summary back then when I was in my secondary school years? And is it any surprise that my blog entries are so long that I could probably publish it into a book and then into one endless saga of words and more words?

But as of late, I find that it's getting easier to summarise things surrounding me, whatever they may be.

It just takes three words.

Better still, three letters.

It's "WTH!!??".

Because I'm a prude that wouldn't dare to be caught dead saying any offensive words. Right.

Current Music: If Today Was Your Last Day - Nickelback

Stuck

I'm rarely one who judges first. At least, that's how I see myself.

That's because my first impressions are, more often than not, proven erroneous somewhere down the line. While I may get ideas such as "This person may be difficult to handle" or "I doubt I can get all chummy with that person", eventually I might end up chatting with her (rarely him?) without much care. Likewise, positive notions are likely to be scrapped off, sometimes even more so.

But once the idea becomes established as time goes by, it becomes harder to change.

Meaning, once I feel that a certain person is bloody irritating, even if s/he does something minor that normal population could not be bothered with.

Worse, even if said person acts in opposite, it wouldn't impress me and turn my ideas around.

I hope to God my negative feelings are not reflected in my behaviour towards the person.

But things can always get out of hand, particularly when emotions play a central role.

Besides, some say that I can be read like an open book.

So much for any aura of mystery.

FB, oh FB...

...Methinks you're encouraging histrionic behaviour. From status updates, photos to personality tests...Tsk tsk. And yet there's something so enticing about you, that makes me approach you, although not without utmost caution, lest I fall into the abyss of addiction...

Twitter, the same goes for you, though I've no account there...Thank goodness for that.

...My innumerable blogs, you too. Sigh. At least you are my outlet to vent out my sentiments when people may refuse to listen to me...since they only see my remarks as nothing more by complaints.

Tsk tsk.

A Little Something...

I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

Yup, I do.

...Ironically, I heard the song just yesterday.

It shows that my race is a hundred years too young to take on administration responsibilities. 'Coz my uni totally sucks when it comes to those.

Igirisu is Love!

Warning - much fangasm ahead.

After waiting and toiling hard for far too long - with the Internet connection dying down on me too many times that I lost count - I _finally_ managed to download England's Character CD! Whee, fangirl mode, on! ♥

Thank you, Kami-sama~!! ♥♥♥ Despite the oh-so-fickle Internet connection, You granted me the perseverance to try and try again! (And now if only I could apply it to my studies...)

Sugiyama-sama's EngRish is one of those that I can tolerate. Seriously, although I may be biased in my judgment when it comes to him. The punk rock is so awesome...

...But Takahashi Hiroki's Hi no Izuru Kuni, Zipangu will still be my personal number one, because of the Japanese ambience it carries - that I even love the Instrumental version to bits!

Looks like I'll be able to sleep well tonight, now that I finally have achieved my aim for today! Still, insomnia secondary to fangasm is another matter altogether...

...can I say "Tsk"?

Current Music: Absolutely Invincible British Gentleman - Sugiyama Noriaki (Arthur Kirkland) ←Really, what did you expect?

Kawatte

"We must be open to change..." So I was told.

It was said with much humour, graced by delightful smiles and drowned in jovial laughter all around. I responded with what I suspect to be a wry smile, trying very much to appear light-hearted despite the truckload of heavy weight on my chest.

"It depends on what the change is in the first place. If it were bad, it would be better to maintain the status quo," was my safe reply.

It was fortunate that the conversation heretofore was diverted to one discussing what "status quo" was supposed to mean.

I recall having a conversation that discussed "change" a few weeks ago. At the time, as far as my memory still can guide me, it was about homosexuality - in which whether or not it is inherent in oneself and if it was liable to be negated with appropriate actions and conditioning. My companion at the time admitted that it was possible - her exact arguments escapes me at the moment - and therefore, it was possible for homosexuals to...become heterosexuals, if they tried hard enough.

I suppose I am rather too rigid when it comes to dealing with people who have changed - who have become different from how I once knew them. Perhaps this is one reason why it is no easy feat for me to keep in touch with my old friends. They have turned into people who seemed alien to me, that at times I could not help but think "Wow, so this is her true colours", or "I didn't knew she had it in her", or even "Am I the only one who's static here?", or worst, "Gosh, I'm so _lame_!".

Right now, it seems to me that people are capable of change once they put their heart and soul into it. Also, because, as Seneca put it, "Man is a social animal", we are also influenced by our environment, our surroundings. Simply put, the friends we keep may very well change us. While it's true that "birds of a feather flock together", the basic tendencies that define our identity are also prone to be moulded to become one that is most in harmony with the bunch of friends we hang out with.

But too much of anything can be bad.

Maybe I preferred the old her, one that has that some degree seriousness in our daily conversations. Now every conversation among ourselves is always too full of laughter and worn-out jokes, that it takes a toll on my facial muscles to break into a smile. Whatever happened to individuality!?

You're supposed to be relaxed, to let your guard down in the company of those you're comfortable with. Does it mean that, in all actuality, I resent this change because it doesn't agree with my nature, my preferences?

I don't think I'm hanging in the wrong crowd. A change of air every now and then sounds good, though.

I seriously need some time-out. All this is wearing me out...

Current Music: Goodbye - Kristinia Debarge

Dumb & Dumber

Warning: Mild language ahead.

Frankly, I thought I had enough understanding of people.

Not to brag or anything, but I do make an effort to not piss anyone off.

But when I'm pissed off, then I'm ready to spread the uneasiness around. Retaliation? Maybe. But most probably it's because I don't think it's fair that I alone suffer when I am wronged.

Is a little genuine "Sorry" too much to ask for?

Sure, considering my emotionally masochistic nature, it's not wrong to say that I allow myself to suffer when any stress comes my way. Ironically, it's my own worldview that somehow managed to bring me this far.

But consider this.

When someone did something wrong to you, you naturally expect a sincere apology and the promise that it will not happen again. Only, when it does happen, you rethink that the apology previously was not that sincere to begin with.

If it's an unavoidable situation, you'll let it slide. But NOT when there was a way to stop it from happening in the first place.

And when you know that you're not supposed to get mad, not because of the 'unavoidable nature of the situation', but rather, it's the bureaucracy, in a politically correct way of saying it.

I thought they're supposed to teach you good things that you should commit to.

I assumed that they would not let me down.

I was an idiot.

Though not a complete idiot, I guess. Despite being able to foresee the situation, I still could not strengthen myself enough when I actually came face to face with it.

Right. Not a complete idiot, just a complete weakling.

But I defend my case. I have reasons for breaking down, and good ones too.

This has happened too many times in the past. If I had no heart, I'd probably accuse them of not wanting to have me around.

I realised that this family was different. We can't seem to express our emotions very well. Can't, or refuse to. Most of the cases, we avoid mush like plague. Is it any wonder that I consider myself crippled in mushy atmosphere?

Maybe it's just encoded in our genes. And it gets passed down to the next generation.

Perhaps ego has something to do with it. My own ego sometimes prevent me from apologizing...sometimes, because in other cases, I was wronged so the other party should apologize.

It feels like people are taking me for granted.

Can they please stop assuming that I can take everything they throw at me? And can they please think what if they were in my situation?

I thought I was a peaceful person. Maybe not. Should I blame the debater in me?

Discarding my "Do unto others as you'd want done unto you" mantra seems a bit too impossible to achieve. Religious codes, one thing, and guilt when wronging others is another. Which explains why I try to avoid conflict in any form.

But there's a limit to everything, since we're humans and all.

So what is there to do when conflicts come searching for me instead?

I still think I deserve to get some apology.

Ego, ka...I have my honour to defend. Still, breaking down like this is far from defending any honour.

One might say, "You're an adult, for God's sake!"

To which I will reply, "Yes, but I'm still a human. A woman, nonetheless."

Am I wrong? Sometimes the rebel needs to come out, but still I deserve some credit for merely breaking down instead of blowing up.

Did I mention that I hate breaking down? It's when I feel all the strength that I have mustered so far come crumbling down, locking me in the reality that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. And it gives others the misconception that I'm a crybaby.

Here's a little announcement for those who care: I cry when I'm furiously angered!

And you know what the worst thing about breaking down is? Apparently the evidence doesn't disappear easily. Your nose becomes red, your breathing is impaired, your nose blocked, your eyes swollen, your lips tremble (and you can't even eat properly!), your face feels puffy and hot, and your hair practically does nothing to improve how you look.

Another reason why I would bother to break down: I try to instill guilt in people.

Which doesn't seem to work, because people around me are not as emotionally affected as I am. Or maybe they just don't care at all.

Still, I've no other way, no other means.

So in the end, I do suffer alone. How do I expect to have the people close to me to comfort me when they are the ones who are responsible for my misery?

I could attribute it to my reactive tendencies, as opposed to proactive. It basically explains why I allow myself to be pushed around.

Though not all the time. I did try to change the situation, in hopes for a better outcome, but everything fell flat in the end.

So is it any wonder that I am the way I am right now? Remember, the brain has the reward and punishment centres. Seeing that I was met with countless failure, it's physiological in that I adopt a lifestyle that tries to minimise this torment.

Maybe I should pay the counsellor a visit. Maybe I should promote the way of an obstinate pessimist.

I'm misunderstood? Because I am alien even to myself.

Yes, I realise that I am spouting crazy, lame-attempts-at-philosophical words like a spoilt teenager who yearns for some attention and who thinks that her problem is the biggest in the world.

Well, one way to put it would be...that it could be one of the biggest problems in the world because I cannot manage myself, my emotions and my own rational thinking.

So what am I left with?

The simplest answer would be God.

But am I worthy?

Tomorrow brings new episodes. But this arc is yet to be over.

I can't let this go. Doing so only brings dire consequences, as observed from what recently happened. It's time to put my foot down. I have my rights too.

I need to settle this before it kills me. All this stress is probably causing my heart to undergo some serious cardiac remodelling.

And I still have to put up with worse stress in the future (assuming that I have one): clinical years, H.O. years, and henceforth.

Life gets tougher, because it assumes that you do too, and because God Knows what's best for you.

Current Music: Fake - Mr. Children

Before the Storm

One could say that it is pride, but I consider myself as one with rather high tolerance level.

Most Some people may find it easier to note one's shortcomings. For instance, if someone were to tell me that s/he finds this other person as insert-negative-adjective-here, it would actually be news to me. Only then would I start to notice the aforementioned trait, and depending on circumstances, such may affect my later interaction with the person.

That's why I'd rather not listen to what the general public may regard as back-biting.

But. There comes a time when someone whom I act nice to would then do something which irritates me.

Sometimes it's the little things. Maybe I'm wrong, but I make a huge deal of asking permissions prior to using other people's things. It's a form of acknowledgement, a manifestation of respect that s/he is the rightful owner of it and thus holds the right of whether or not I am permitted to make use of it. I therefore expect that it's the same when people use my things.

How hard is asking anyway? Does it take that much expenditure of one's energy?

The problem is, in conjunction with my tendency to avoid face-to-face conflict, I'd usually keep my mouth shut towards the person - but that doesn't stop me to complain to some other people. It's only when my limit point is exceeded that I would explode into full-blown anger - such was the case when this particular junior used my bike thinking that it was her friend's (really?), that even my friends were terrified of the rage my countenance had shown - and wouldn't give a damn as to how other people may perceive me. The reason? Because I saw that right was intruded on, and that, beyond any shadow of a doubt, I should be allowed to put said person in his/her place.

Is this what Psychiatry may regard as 'grandiosity'?

I was told that my feelings register easily on my face, that it may be simple to read me like an open book. Still, people tend to misunderstand my expressions, especially _before_ they know me better. A friend once said that she thought I was the serious type, and that she was surprised to find that I was also capable of nonsensical jokes.

That's why I'd rather suffer in silence and not pick a fight; A trace of displeasure on my face might be mistaken for extreme anger.

And so I chose subtlety.

The problem with that is not everybody is bright enough to get the drift, the underlying meanings.

...This is another reason why I did not bother to join the mentor-mentee system.

To presume that mankind is capable of great evil may seem unjust. But if I say that I also see myself as one who's capable of maliciousness, will it be fair?

Current Music: Black or White - Michael Jackson

Instead

I suppose there are some things that will forever evade my understanding.

It goes without saying that I have always felt alone, despite being a circle I can call a clique, in a group I can call my colleagues peers.

It dated since my primary school years...in which I've always felt that I'm the odd one out. But individuality - y'know, the stuff about how no two fingerprints are alike, no two people are the same - means always being alone because you're you, and no one else is.

The best way is to stop expecting too much, that I know for certain. Just be happy with what you get.

It's better this way? I have more time for myself. I have no need to put up a facade.

...Maybe that's why I've yet to find one who is interested - non-platonically - in me. Because I'm still too busy fulfilling my interests, that to start sharing my life and priorities with someone may be too early for me at this point. Too early, in that I've yet to gather what I need thus far, and that I might recklessly sacrifice what I hold dear to me, just to please him, that I forget my own rights.

That, or I would act too much like a selfish prat in demanding way too much.

So yes, I should be thankful with what I already own. God Knows all, remember? All in due time.

Good things come to those who wait. If it's destined to be mine, then it is only a matter of time.

Current Music: No Surprise - Daughtry

Random Oops!

Still, considering I don't know the person at all, I might be too judgmental. Maybe it doesn't matter for the time being.

After all, I have a bigger fish to fry, rather than to let a small issue bug me.

On a side note, Forensic Medicine is cool. It might be in my Top Ten List of Specialties to be considered to take later on.

Current Music: No Surprise - Daughtry

Disjointed Thoughts

Just a note on the operations that I witnessed during my voluntary elective posting from June 30th till July 4th ('tho I skipped it on July 3rd, hee!):

• July 1st
  1. Laparoscopic appendicectomy*
  2. Laparoscopic cholecystectomy*
  3. Laparoscopy-assisted vaginal hysterectomy
  4. Left hemithyroidectomy
• July 2nd
  1. Laparoscopic left ovarian cystectomy (also seen: endometriosis)
  2. Left mastectomy with axillary clearance* (other anatomical structures seen: pectoralis major & minor, axillary vein, thoracodorsal bundle, latissimus dorsi)
• July 4th
  1. Laparoscopy-assisted CBD exploration* (Structures seen in situ: bifurcation of common hepatic duct into left & right hepatic ducts, CBD, ampulla of Vater. Also seen: "kebatuan")
  2. Distal pancreatectomy with cholecystectomy* (Structures seen: splenic artery & vein, portal vein, greater omentum, intestines (large & small), liver, spleen, inferior mesenteric vein, pancreas)

Concluding the experience: Damned awesome!! Why so cool, Doctors?

On the side note: Vengeance is not pretty. Can someone please get rid of Sarah Palin already? She's a bad joke gone horribly wrong, and we're frankly sick of her antics.

Another side note: Why, oh, why am I not allowed access to the blog!?

Current Music: Shoujo S - Scandal

Owari da

Keyword of the day: "Kebatuan".

Frickin' awesome. Hell yeah!!

Current Music: Before the Worst - The Script

a tribute to yao?

Looking Back